Back in January, I committed to a summer hiking holiday with a group of women I didn’t know.

This isn’t something I would ordinarily do – I don’t travel frequently, I’m an introvert, and although I enjoy a good walk in the woods, I wasn’t sure if I was up to the rigorous hiking in Norway’s Lofoten Islands described in the promotional material. On the other hand, I have a deep level of trust for the woman who organized the trip and as other circumstances in my life lined up to allow the adventure, I took a deep breath and booked it.

And now, a few weeks after returning home, I have no regrets at all. I had an amazing time. What remains surprising to me is that when I am describing my time in Norway, I dwell on how amazing the group was – that we laughed so hard our sides hurt and we almost peed our pants, we swore like sailors, and we also were comfortable and vulnerable with each other, sharing deeply and honestly. Yes, the Lofoten Islands are beautiful, the hikes were much more challenging than I expected (and I didn’t die), being above the Arctic Circle in mid-summer was a unique experience –  – and I keep coming back to this group of women. It wasn’t just who these women were, but who I was when I was with them. I became someone I forgot I could be – someone lighter, more playful, more curious, more open – still me, but I liked myself more.

We all felt it – there was something about us and this situation that invited and encouraged us to open up and be our authentic selves with each other. As we walked (and clambered) and talked, we wondered with each other about this experience; what was it that brought out our best and most authentic selves? What emerged for me was safety.

Through my training and in my personal growth experiences, I have learned about our physiological need for safety. For change to occur, the nervous system needs to feel safe. I can tell you to relax until I’m blue in the face, but if you don’t feel supported and safe (physically and emotionally), you will be unable to let go.

In our group there was safety and support. There was curiosity, acceptance, encouragement, trust, a whole lot of laughter, and ultimately, love. Sure, we teased each other, but not at the expense of any of the safety we had created. And so, we were able to relax with each other, become a bit easier in our own selves.

The experience has me reflecting on how I want to feel in my other relationships & social interactions. I want to spend more time feeling like I did in Norway – completely comfortable in my own skin and loving the person I have become and am becoming. I don’t want to spend energy hiding and protecting myself when I can use it to connect with others.

My old pattern has been to wait and see, to hide myself until I feel safe with others, and until recently I hadn’t seen that as part of the equation. I’ve been doing a lot of work over the past several months to grow an inner knowing and loving that has reassured my nervous system that I am always safe. And as I take responsibility for my own safety, I am supported in my ability to be vulnerable with others, to allow all of myself to be seen.

This safety dance is definitely a work in progress – I feel a bit like a newborn foal, finding its legs, scrambling up to standing, and gaining confidence with each step. The really cool thing is that when I let myself be seen, there’s a new reciprocity in my relationships – we support each other in seeing and being seen, in knowing and being known. We feel more safety and more ease. I think this is how we change the world. One relationship at a time.

I know my pattern of growing that hard, protective shell is deeply wired and is not going to disappear overnight. But I also know that my nervous system is able to create new patterns. When I feel my body starting to clench, when I feel the constrictions as that shell begins to re-form, I will remember the feeling of being with those women who I came to love as we navigated new landscapes together, and allow myself to be seen, known and loved.

What parts of yourself do you hide?
How do you hide?
Do different people in your life know different parts of you?
Do you feel completely seen, known and accepted by anyone? Does that feel good, or does it feel scary?
Remember a time/occasion/circumstance when you felt most authentically you and you liked yourself – close your eyes and sit with that for a minute or so – how does it feel in your body?
What do other people do (or not do) that helps you feel safe?
What can you do to help yourself feel safe?

Book recommendation:

By coincidence (or perhaps not!), a friend recently recommended “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen” by David Brooks. The book is an invitation to see others beyond the labels and identities that we often use to define and assess them. Everyone has a unique story, and everyone needs to be heard. To know or see a person, Brooks writes, one needs to listen, and this book is a masterclass in active listening. Through his reflections on his own personal journey and his professional life, Brooks explores ways of understanding and connecting with others.

This book offers insights for you to consider about your own blind spots, as well as practical tools to practice in order to develop more meaningful connection with others. The by-product of learning to listen and see others more deeply is deeper empathy and knowing of self – something I can assure you can be deeply uncomfortable and simultaneously freeing.

In this article, David Brooks explains his reasons for writing the book and provides a brief summary of some of the key points.

Shout out to She Walks the Walk!

If you’re intrigued by a walking adventure that is also an inner journey, I highly recommend connecting with Sam of She Walks the Walk. I got to know her through her online community and have become so grateful for that connection in my life. She is thoughtful, loving, funny and real.

Sam sees walking (and hiking and scrambling!) as metaphors for inner journeys, and she provides encouragement and space for other women to journey inward, including intentional time for meditation and reflection. In addition to finding breath-taking locales for hiking, Sam looks after all the details, going above and beyond to make sure everyone is getting the most out of their holiday.

More about She Walks the Walk here.

If you’d like to see a bit more of what we were up to in Norway, check out Sam’s reels on Instagram! If you look (and listen) closely, you may see an impromptu (and very brief!) Sound of Music performance from me!