“Do you ever have one of those days when you just don’t like yourself?”
A friend chuckled knowingly in response to my question – actually, she laughed out loud at me. Apparently, this is more common than I thought.
I had one of those days not too long ago. It was a typical Monday. Nothing especially challenging about the day, but everything felt more difficult than usual. I was irritable – snapping at those around me, self-critical, then angry with myself for both my mood and the ways it was affecting my behaviour. I’m generally an even-keeled, reasonable and competent person, but on this particular day it felt like some sort of beast had taken over.
My inner critic had taken control of the narrative in my head and was having a field day. I could recognize what was going on, but it took some time for me to stop feeding the fire and let it burn out on its own. By suppertime I felt more myself, but was still a bit splintered.
I wasn’t content to go another day not liking myself. Luckily, I knew what I needed to do to reconnect with the me that I like. Actually, it’s not luck – it’s the product of years of being willing to be with myself and learning about what makes me tick.
Spending hours analyzing my bad mood keeps me in my brain and compounds the problem; I’ve learned that the first thing I need to do in response to feeling like an ogre is to be okay with feeling that way, because my body (and mind and spirit) are trying to tell me something. If I pretend it’s not happening or push it away, it will continue to skulk around, waiting for another moment to resurface.
Body, mind and spirit are inseparable. Feeding one nourishes the others. Neglecting one has a detrimental effect to the whole. Knowing which practices nurture me, as well as what depletes me, gives me an idea of what to steer towards and what to avoid. I’ve learned that putting my feet on the earth is my first step (haha) to coming back to myself and feeling grounded.
Walking my favourite trails doesn’t give me the answers, but it provides space in which I can ask the questions. When I feel my connection to the natural environment through all of my senses, when I feel my body moving through the environment, I connect most authentically with my inner landscape, and I can ask myself:
“What are you afraid of?”
“What are you protecting?”
“What are you grieving?”
“What are you ashamed of?”
And then comes the more challenging part of the conversation – answering myself honestly and listening to that answer without interrupting or judging. (If it sounds like I’m talking to myself here, that’s exactly what’s happening. And talking out loud seems to give the conversation a bit more weight)
As the conversation continues, I try to be my own best friend – that means offering a loving response to the fears, griefs and shames that I have voiced.
On this particular day, I was afraid. I was afraid I wasn’t skillful enough to complete the final pieces of the book I’m working on. I was afraid that when I do finish it, it won’t be good enough, it will be criticized, not bear up to the scrutiny of people who know more than me, who are better than me.
It was a long walk, and a long conversation. I got to remind myself of all the experiences and learning that have brought me to this moment and that yes, I do actually know what I’m talking about. I got to remind myself that failure is the best way of learning, and that when I don’t risk failure, I am saying no to growing and learning. I got to remind myself that I am deeply loved; that there is a human safety net beneath me – voices that call out their support, arms outstretched to steady me and catch me when I fall.
I don’t often come up with answers on these walks, but I almost always come up with next steps. With love and a sense of humour (of course!), I acknowledge the choices I’ve made that enabled my fears to take over and fed that inner ogre. And in those loving conversations I am able to remind myself of the actions and choices I can make that empower me and move me towards my goals.
Choices that feed me are:
- Connecting authentically with other humans
- Letting myself feel emotions in my body
- Connecting to nature
- Reading
- Moving, strengthening and stabilizing my body
- Turning up the music and dancing in my kitchen
Choices that starve me are:
- Spending time with screens instead of with humans
- Being dishonest with myself and others to avoid disagreements or discomfort
- Spending time in the echo chambers of social media
- Comparing myself to other people
What are choices that feed you? What are choices that starve you? Where and when do you feel most connected to your most authentic self? What brings out your inner ogre and makes you not like yourself?
The good news is that you don’t have to fix yourself or do a complete overhaul. The great thing about life is that no matter how much we plan ahead, how much there is to do, how challenging things are – life happens one moment at a time, one breath at a time, one choice at a time. We get to notice what we’re feeling in each moment and make one choice. We get to forgive ourselves for the choices that didn’t feed us, knowing full well we will probably do so again, and loving ourselves for it. And the next moment comes, and the next choice is made. We begin again, and again, and again.
We’re all going to have bad days, days when we’d rather not be with ourselves, days when we wonder why other people would choose to be with us. The next time that happens, can you take a moment, feel what’s going on, and begin again with love and compassion for yourself?
When I’m writing my newsletters, I often come across an article that seems to have been written for the occasion. This time around there was no exception. Coincidence or serendipity? Here’s an article about leaning into negative emotions. Enjoy!
